Right on my very cranial nerves.

I have been almost 2 months here and in the meantime, I was almost never neither getting mad nor upset. There was once when I was very disappointed being downgraded from an ICU trainee to a HDU trainee, leading to a moral breakdown which then making me barely able to stay focus in every discussion for one whole week. That week test result also making me sooooooo brokenhearted. I shed tears after discussing the result with my superiors, which I was almost gonna tongue fight with one of them. She was rude at that time, and I myself was burning inside. But then my colleagues came around in class after that and encouraging me. Their caring considerations succeeded to quench my anger down.

And then today.

We had been divided into 2 teams again, to discuss the topic regarding pulmonary embolism. It’s nothing hard actually, only need some revisions. Then every member got to study their part an elaborate to the others. That’s how our discussion went as we actually also preparing for the next day main presentation as well. It was then when I suddenly realized one of my colleagues out of six was leaning back to the seat with red eyes.

I snapped.

Indeed I’m mad, but I tried to control the expression and tone. Or at least I thought I managed to do so. I threw him a simple question, asking him to state some sign and symptoms of pulmonary embolism that was JUST being explained by other colleague. “Just give me three of them,” I said solemnly. He couldn’t answer since he didn’t pay attention from the beginning of our discussion. He tried to peek at other’s note and another colleague took the note away. Then he read out from the thick revision book, the ones that were not being explained yet. But then we repeated back so that everyone understand and know why exactly every things happened. I also threw some questions to the others to see their understanding, and everyone participated in 2-ways feedback as how a discussion should be.

We HAVE to have this discussion since our superior insisted, so we should at least co-operate with each other, let aside the reluctant feeling. Me myself don’t ever like to study actually, but I cannot hate to learn. If we have to do something, JUST DO IT RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT. Why bother to waste time now and making things hard to yourself by spending some time later to go through the same thing? We even have to read a lot more since our final exam would be on this very Friday, in another 3 days. So please do things smartly.

I am also mad to me myself for hardly able to suppress the anger. It was just getting on my nerves! Besides, the same thing happened in our group before and we even being scolded by the superior for not having a strategy for group discussion for leaving some members out of discussion. As if it’s not enough for the particular members not having their own initiative to learn, but even me and someone other being scolded as giving excuses. Tahap bengang bagai asid yang menghakis bintik- bintik kesabaran yang ada.

Whatever it is, this is one way to learn. Don’t do things that you hate what other’s did to you. The end.