Stone.

A guy made a confession last night.

Gathering his guts maybe, this is the second attempt he made after the first one many months ago or year ago. Knowingly, i just replied him back "okay, thank you.."

It wasn't thrilling, exciting or anything. No feeling at all. It just feels like knowing another fact, in fact I already awared of it. There's no reason to either reject or accept, since he never asked for one straightforward. He just said he likes me long time already so I just acknowledging his feeling, that's all.

The rest is up to him. I might reject obsessive liking, too much attention seeking, bugging cheesy messages or high hopes.

I guest eventhough I don't have a real person inside my heart but still I had a shadow.

My heart just getting colder and colder. At this rate I dont know what the future lays ahead. I dont think I'm ready for a commitment.

Many confessions made but none able to build a relationship. Stonecold hearted girl.

Redang trip March 2015

I just went back from vacation in Redang Island 2 days ago (10-12/3/15), just only got time to write hee.. With my friend, we spent 3d2n there following the great promo package with all the great accomodations and friendly staffs seriously. We even got private tourguides at no extra cost, befriended with those local guys, staffs and other visitors esp the honeymooners.

I booked through Raha Legacy Holiday agency, chose weekdays, and we travelled there by flight at promo price RM35 one way (yes I'm suggesting you to buy ticket early so that you can get a good price), avoiding the holiday seasons, peak time especially the crowds. Too many people at beach wont be that nice, seriously. 7am flight, we arrived at Terengganu after 8am then went straight by cab to Syahbandar jetty at price of RM30/cab. Eventhough getting seasick while boarding the ferry to Redang but then after that everything just turned out great. We actually able to catch the 9am ferry straightaway, arrived at 1130h. Settling into our twin-sharing room at Redang Holiday Beach Ville with 2 queen beds, aircond, hot bath & swimming pool pergh.. rest for a while, had the prepared lunch then at 2.30pm we went to snorkel at the open sea by speedboat. Snorkelling equipments and life jacket can be rented at the resort at RM30/person for 3d2n and also can rent the GoPro underwater camera at RM50/day (pics will be given in CD later without extra pay). This cam is superb, the wide view it catches really set it up at the top of my wishlist haha.. and at certain resort u can rent an underwater camera for rm30/day also.

Tip to choose seat on the speedboat, sit nearest to the boatman, it'll be most stable there as you wont feel the effect much and wont be thrown over when the boat crossing through the big tides. Your bottom wont hurt as much haha. Anyway I can't swim, but I can snorkel for the 1st time without problem using those rented equipments. Actually I did almost get panic attack seeing the deep sea, almost forgot how to breathe haha pretty funny. It was soooo beautiful inside the crystal-clear sea, the colourful fishes and terumbu karang. Those safeguards would be watching over, so you're safe and can enjoy your snorkelling at ease.

We can spend time freely at night, so after the dinner we went out for a walk at beachside enjoying the nature. We coincidentally met the boatmen aka the beach boys and they offered to show us the blue sands, which I never heard of before. Blue sands seriously?? But yes there were. I was going to turn down their offers as I was too tired already but then not to disregard them, my friend decided to go. I was like, seriously? One of this guy not even wearing shirt! The evening before I even chose the different route to our ville as I had seen enough of half naked men on my 1st day in the island! Tssk. Luckily when he walked beside me later, which i didnt notice when, he already wore the shirt back. Phew~.. he must have noticed how I kept on avoiding eye contact. Few stories exchanged until at last we found the so-called blue sands. How fascinating, the creatures that glowing in the dark emitting blue light (did he said umang- umang??), the cool sands, the calming wave sounds, the clear sky with the stars, the wind and the company.

This guy told me twice that he actually wished to show us the turtles at the beach near to our resort, "tapi awak jual mahal" katanya sambil ketawa. I brushed it off with laugh, thought it was a joke since I didnt even recall seeing him but thinking of that now, oh now I know. He must be the one asking me if I was okay in the sea during snorkelling time, and also one of those shirtless guys at the route I chose to avoid after that. Dia ingat saya boleh tau ke kalau dia niat nak ajak dalam hati je? But he was nice, not the flirting type of guy. And he knew how to use the reverse psychology method. They called me and my friend as 'Kak', as we also thinking of them as adik2 only. No heart feelings please.

The next morning we went for 2nd snorkelling at 9.30am after breakfast to the Marine park. And this boatman approached me and walked together but I didnt know this was the same guy from last night whom I never remember the face and never knew his name also. The reason was he's the one guiding us, and some more there were only 4 malays including us, that must be why we befriended easily. These safeguards from last night I didnt notice when exactly they were around with us in the sea, taking care of our safety and helped us to dive in to take pics of beautiful aquatic creatures down there, even bringing up the gamat and starfish, made me hold that things and took pic with them. Geli tak ingat!. That was when he used the reverse psy method, where I couldnt refused his offer to show/swim us around in the sea, when he knew that I cant actually swim. He made me laugh pretty much, until I shivered as it was too cold, and noticed my friend was actually left me and went back to the beach alone. Bertuah punya companion :'( The last snorkelling session at 2.30pm after lunch, the one that we enjoyed much. I jumped off the speedboat with of course my lifejacket on. After that me & my friend even jumped into the swimming pool after went back from the beach. After a hot bath and changed into a new clean clothes, we went to the beach again to take pics, have a walk, enjoying the sunset and had our dinner, then rest at swimming pool lazy chair before went back that night to look for the blue sands. It was such a great memories.

Next time I'll have to plan schedule properly, esp the flights time. Return flight should be at 3pm onwards so that we have time to go at the Pasar Payang (market) next to Syahbandar or at least Istana Maziah around there. I wished to go again, I left my heart there already but I think it'd be wise to go to different islands first. But in few months, Redang I'll come back I promise ♡♡♡

Next entry I'll share the preparations for trip/backpack, since as a first timer I also learned the preps through other blogs as well.

"Garangnyee..."  member tegur dari jauh lepas doktor balik. Jam 4 pagi lebih, masing2 duk menghadap komputer depan bilik yg dijaga. Cuma dari 2 bilik yg saya jaga, salah satunya ada mayat.

"Garang? mane?" rasa innocent kononnya. Rasa macam intonasi suara biasa je jawab telefon tadi, lagipun ada doktor kat sebelah. Dia ketawa. Ceh. Maybe kot, out of stress. Dah 3, 4 kali called mintak documents & maklumat pesakit tapi tak sampai2, department depan je pun. Doktor beberapa kali minta borang itu ini, tanya history dan past medical history. Tapi saya tak tahu apa2, belum receive case, hanya received body je. But I guess yes, I must have been getting stern & fierce. Few days before pun dia ada tegur jugak, katanya ni kalau jadi team leader betul2 nanti garang ni. I brushed it off with laughs, I really thought it was a joke.

Few hours before, cases been booked one after another. Even in our very own department also just having one emergency case, coded & upgraded to ICU. Then I was waiting for this extensive MI case when I received call from Cathlab, asking for assisting during procedure which then my senior went to help. Later on, they called again asking for meds. When I returned their call, they were uncontactable. The night duty manager called in, saying operator informed her that they got unclear phone call from Cathlab, requesting me to go take a look.

I was suspecting something isn't right so I went there to found out the door was opened, no one outside. I thought procedure finished but then shocked to see the team were performing CPR while cardiologist was continuing the PCI and iur anaesthetist was intubating the patient. I went in, went out again to call for some help from my colleague in ICU. We took turns to do CPR but the table so high until our shoulder, back, waist & legs alll in pain. I went outside again & brought in a chair, so that was my 1st time doing CPR while standing on chair, ignoring the x-ray. Doses of adrenaline & atropines given. Everyone gave the best efforts they could but still in the end we're losing him.

Thousand times a day

Thousand times.

Thousand times a day I wavered.
Thousand times a day I brokenhearted.
Thousand times a day I wanted give up.
Thousand times a day I swore that I had things enough that I would want to stop, run and never look back.

I had it enough, seeing the cruel side of life and death. Those grievances. Those hatred. Oh.. couldn't you see I'm broken inside?

But still, for each & every life I've seen, I still wanted to help them keep it. Trying to revive it the best I could. It was so much stressful but none would understand, not even the family let alone the society. You curse the doctors, the nurses when you don't even know what kind of day they had. Let alone to be grateful for whatever effort they did.

This one pair hands of mine, I pledge to dedicate for our people several years back. That's one of the reason I'm still here despite having countless infinite desire to give up every second.

After a bad day, with the tears brimming, thankfully I have those considerate teammates. Encouraging words & warm hugs they gave help to sooth my lacks of motivation. Really appreciate it.

#feels like tonight - daughtry.