Belated Nurses Day

I received a flower from a volunteer that frequent our ICU to recite dua' for muslim patients.

"Happy belated Nurses Day," he said with a smile. I was like pura- pura bizi before that hanging my patient's formula milk bag. *grinning*

Frankly this is only the 3rd time I received flower from guys. The 1st and 2nd was given by the same guy during my college time, and he was down on one knee in front of our group members including a facilitator. We were on a teambuilding camp that time. I remembered i laughed so hard I almost cried; ashamed. But to not let him kneeled so long I got to take it.

Kill me heal me.

Just celebrated my 27th birthday last week. I originally wished to have a quiet, insignificant day on my birthday this year and the years to come. However my housemates noticed and they arranged one surprise celebration conspirated with my roommate. I'm just gladful and thankful as it is. If I recall back, I could hardly remember when did I ever celebrate birthday with my family, seem as if none. No use to mention birthday gift. Only friends would celebrate my birthday and showered me with their blessings and gift. Now that I mentioned it, I suddenly feel unwanted haha.

When I tried my best to support, to care, to love my family but in the end I'm the one hurting and feels significant.I had to be far away and care for family members of others due to my career demand. Nevermind.

Anyway, my parents and family may see me as the easiest to handle and maybe the most independent member. But in reality they did not know how I desperately need their support. They did not even know how many times I've been down. And they will never know that up to this day, I am so depressed that I had long giving up on continue to live.

Wishing every night would be the last night, and every sleep is forever long.

Another sleepless night

I've run out of my sleeping pills =(

I don't wish to pull all nighter again tonight, as tomorrow I'm in duty eventhough luckily evening shift.

Having so many thoughts running made my night sleepless for few days now. I often slept in late then woke up early to work. I cant figure out much on what issues that precisely made me restless however it clearly putting me into depression state. I had to count on those off days as motivation to carry on.

It gets harder since I got no one to turn to.

Really need my vitamin-sea, the wave sound that soothen my feeling, the black pitch night that hide my sorrows away & the sympathetic stars. Now already passed midnight, I'd be afraid to gaze out of the window, afraid of the possibility I might run into things that I dont wish to see instead. Haha.