The worst July in my life.

So today I had case study presentation, and what happened was both my written & presentation were rejected due to selfish miscommunication between the lecturers. And the victim is no one other than student like us. What a stupid idiot management. I was supervised under a tutor but presented case to another, and this is the consequence. Not only me, but another 2 students also. As we are needed to find a new case and redo all from A to Z, it is confirmed that the marks that will be given is not going to be more than half from actual one which was 20%. What made me mad is that I felt this so unfair. So much unfair I couldn't let it slide just like that.

Earlier this month, father just got discharged out from hospital after been hospitalized for 22 days. It was just 2 days before raya. I couldn't tell anyone of how much I disappointed that I couldn't be home while studying here in JB and couldn't go back. I'm on practical session in hospital which I couldn't leave just whenever I wanted. And then this Aidilfitri which was the worse and unmeaningful I ever had, so much it broke my heart that I choose not to say anything about it. The only best thing about this raya was that I able to go to my besty's house, after promised her each year since few years ago.

After that the accident on 13th of July, like in the previous entry.

Then here comes today, 18th of July, where I've been unjustly failed by the inconsiderate lecturer. It is just a small thing to redo this assignment, but because of all the misfortune things that happened after one another within this very short moments, I felt frustrated. Brokenhearted. Tired & devastated beyond words. I cried hard & loud all the way back (driving, even passed the accident place), until now. Luckily my roommate is not around.

These are the hardest moments to me. I never cried this hard after the last one during college time about 5-6 years ago. But from this moments around, I could differentiate who's the real friend in need. These few friends offered me hands even when I didn't asked to. 4 of them offered to lend me some money through my difficulties, including 2 of my chinese friends. How nice of them. But I politely refused, as I'm not comfortable about borrowing, not even with my family. And my roommate, she even accompanied me here and there, and also to work in my car (since I insisted to drive that car to police station before straightaway to work) because she worried. One even almost wanted to cook for me to help me relieve from shock.True friends are hard to find, but I think I've found some of the diamonds of life. Sincerely.

It is so hard that I had no one to share. Tak sanggup nak menyusahkan orang untuk dengar kesusahan kita. Penat, bila rasa tak dihargai. Ada macam tiada. Letih & kecewa untuk teruskan effort. Dah habis ruang untuk memaafkan.

Accident. First accident in my life.

Balik kolej, eksiden. I swore kereta tu yg problem sbb suddenly cannot be controlled & berputar sedangkan saya tak pusing stereng sbb tgh jalan lurus exit dari highway. I almost hit the lamp post which if I did, I couldnt even think of the outcome. Living n breathing would be a question here, let alone the car itself. Masa kereta tu dah berpusing 180 degree tapi tengah meluncur uncontrolled, sempat pandang ke kiri ke arah tiang dan divider tu. Masa tu, terdetik dalam hati 'Ya Allah, aku redha andai ini pengakhiran' and then after that I just closed both eyes and lost count of time. A loud bump heard, then the car stopped in the middle of the opposite road. Yes the other side of road. Miraculously avoided the That time only I got out of the car, glanced once to see other cars stopped not so far, and checked the damaged. The policemen who attended me advised to cancel the towing service as the damage seemingly only on both left front n back tyres only,  and they can help change to spare tyre so that I could drive to the tyre shop.

And some more, because I was on my afternoon duty so I couldnt take the car directly to the Perodua centre. After incident I went to work & left my car one night at tyre shop. The shop worker called me & inform of the damage sustained by the car other than the tyres. The next morning I went to take it to police station to male report n straightaway went to work. The next day then I brought it to M. Austin Perodua Centre to require info regarding insurance claim but they only do servicing & need to bring my car to other branch service centre. However they did help me to inspect my car and explained the damage, and even listed me the equipment n it cost properly, good job to them. After that i went to work. Another next day which is the 4th day, I brought my car to the Tampoi Perodua Centre. The staffs treatment was friendly however they kept giving me ridiculous excuse not to claim insurance, saying needs month, a lot of hassles, should have immediately sent the car to repair centre,  need to leave the car and all until I decided to use cash that I dont even have. I. didnt have much time here in JB, only a month or so before I go back to KL for good. They even bullshitly listed the price of the items about 300-400 more expensive than actual cost, until I showed them the list. Their own cost at their own website. How could a person do this to others. Sigh.

I was lucky that that very day, when I was working, eventhough I knew my account bank balance was almost negative (i just withdraw its very last ringgit I had in the very morning), to find out that there was RM1200+ been returned to me from the tax balance. Thank god, I didnt expect this at all. At least it can help me cover the repair cost. Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, the past is past. But moral of the story:

1) If you're just had accident, stay calm.
2) Get some help to move your vehicle the side of the road as it is dangerous to stay in the middle.
3) Call tow truck from your vehicle service centre or the insurance company towing service to nearby workshop. All is free except the repair cost. Let the workshop inspect your vehicle totally from any damage, then after that you can decide whether to claim insurance or not.
4) Make sure to take pictures of damage side as much as you can.
5) Make police report within 24 hours. Then can proceed with the insurance claim process.

Wretched soul.

It has been many days that my dad been admitted to hospital due to malaria. I was worried at first but then he seemingly okay (from the pics that been sent by mom & sisters), some more they were there to look after him. Me being here, this far, studying while taking care of the sick others. It was not as simple as to go back whenever you feel like to. I had a lot to thank my family for.

I'd want to give him a call, but the 1st day I did, it was my elder sister who picked up the phone. After that I just get updates from my mom sisters of his wellbeing. I'm too hurted to give him a call,  or ego, and in the same time it gave me heartache for not to.

It reminds me when I called him 7 years back while being hospitalized due to dengue shock syndrome. I remember saying none other than, "I'm admitted to hospital now, suspected of dengue". And he shouted over the phone, "It's too far how do I go there?! ". I replied, "I'm just informing, not asking to come," ended the call with tears. A lot of tears. I was so sad, and brokenhearted.  I was alone and far from family, first time being hospitalized. 8 days there, and HE NEVER CALL TO ASK MY WELLBEINGS. NEVER. Fetched me during discharged? Not a chance.

I'm not stable at all especially during the first few days of hospitalization. But God gracious, he sent me few caring nurses, concerned lecturer & friends, some good doctors and relatives of other patients who kindhearted enough to help me through the difficulties. After that, I thought I had forget this incidence but it seems that until to this very day, the wound never healed. It brought me to tears each time I recalled it, which I never shared this story to any of my family or even close friends. Only recently I told one of my friend here.

Heartwrecking.

Don't judge me for being egoistic, don't tell me that I'm close enough to be anak derhaka because I'm well awared of it. I'm hurting beyond words I swear. I never disobey him, or use any harsh words. I never do anything that disgrace my family, I did fairly well in studies. I tried hard not to burden him financially or emotionally. All my problems are mine alone, even when I had to starve myself. I did not asked for handphone,  bicycle etc. I even worked part-time few times which none of my siblings did but this exactly what I get.

I'm so despair that I feels like dying every single day. This is hard. The very little faith in me did abstain me from comitting suicide for now, but it's not like I never tried.

This is so wrong until nothing else seems right.

KILL ME. OR HEAL ME. But I don't have the strength to keep going.