Wretched soul.

It has been many days that my dad been admitted to hospital due to malaria. I was worried at first but then he seemingly okay (from the pics that been sent by mom & sisters), some more they were there to look after him. Me being here, this far, studying while taking care of the sick others. It was not as simple as to go back whenever you feel like to. I had a lot to thank my family for.

I'd want to give him a call, but the 1st day I did, it was my elder sister who picked up the phone. After that I just get updates from my mom sisters of his wellbeing. I'm too hurted to give him a call,  or ego, and in the same time it gave me heartache for not to.

It reminds me when I called him 7 years back while being hospitalized due to dengue shock syndrome. I remember saying none other than, "I'm admitted to hospital now, suspected of dengue". And he shouted over the phone, "It's too far how do I go there?! ". I replied, "I'm just informing, not asking to come," ended the call with tears. A lot of tears. I was so sad, and brokenhearted.  I was alone and far from family, first time being hospitalized. 8 days there, and HE NEVER CALL TO ASK MY WELLBEINGS. NEVER. Fetched me during discharged? Not a chance.

I'm not stable at all especially during the first few days of hospitalization. But God gracious, he sent me few caring nurses, concerned lecturer & friends, some good doctors and relatives of other patients who kindhearted enough to help me through the difficulties. After that, I thought I had forget this incidence but it seems that until to this very day, the wound never healed. It brought me to tears each time I recalled it, which I never shared this story to any of my family or even close friends. Only recently I told one of my friend here.

Heartwrecking.

Don't judge me for being egoistic, don't tell me that I'm close enough to be anak derhaka because I'm well awared of it. I'm hurting beyond words I swear. I never disobey him, or use any harsh words. I never do anything that disgrace my family, I did fairly well in studies. I tried hard not to burden him financially or emotionally. All my problems are mine alone, even when I had to starve myself. I did not asked for handphone,  bicycle etc. I even worked part-time few times which none of my siblings did but this exactly what I get.

I'm so despair that I feels like dying every single day. This is hard. The very little faith in me did abstain me from comitting suicide for now, but it's not like I never tried.

This is so wrong until nothing else seems right.

KILL ME. OR HEAL ME. But I don't have the strength to keep going.