Lone traveler in quest looking for her God

3am and i woke up. Tried to get back to sleep aiming to get up later around 5 but just can't. Maybe had overslept during the day since I just finished my night duty the previous day. Anyway I took it as a hidayah, my soul's been called.

I admitted that I've done a lot of wrong things. I've changed drastically for good but then with regret I turned back after started working. It felt like I've been stumbled into the pit & unable to get out of it. Stuck inside until the hell comes later.

Tahajud that once I practiced, now I hardly remember when was the last time I did. Prayer that I had never left, now wavering. Covering aurah? Slowly I took it for granted. Joining kuliyyah or usrah, let's just not mention it.

The point is I've failed.

Each time I tried to change back being better, I kept stepping back repeating the mistakes. Mukmeen won't fall twice into the same pit, but I did. I did, and I'm not happy with it yet not strong enough to fight the lust.

Oh I never blame being working turning me into this, but I'm blaming me. I had always wishing to die just to stop continuing all these maksiyah if that's the only way to.

But now I'm trying to recollect all the pieces, at least I could prove I did trying after all.

Mohon doanya ya.

The hell's fire is inevitable (unless with Allah's will) but I still wishing for jannah.

#ilaika